Books that encourage us to sit with the harder emotions (February, 2025)

So many moments in our lives are governed by too many competing points of influence, from hormonal related shifts over the lifespan, family histories of struggle and distress, our individual socio-emotional-relational experiences, etc, etc. Tracking what we feel, understanding all that might be connected to that feeling, and advocating for understanding from oneself (self-compassion) and from others is necessary, and also a lot. To support a gentle relationship to those emotional states that feel perplexing, destabilizing, and preoccupying (grief, anger, fear, resentment, and more), here are 4 more books that encourage the reader to make greater space for upset without shame, stigma, or a loss of complexity. For no matter what emotional state you find yourself in today, change is certain.

All four texts are short, the longest clocking in at 207 pages. Meaning, time to sit with something that is hard, without it taking forever to get through. And if you have not yet done so, I again encourage you to read Karla McLaren’s text on the gifts of emotional complexity and emotional tolerance (in previous book list), as her framing of the value of these harder emotions allows a greater appreciation for the pain described in the following recommended books.

1- So Late In The Day by Claire Keegan (Grove Press, 2023). In this tidy text are three short stories and ample space for fear and resentment. As the book jacket describes it, “each story probes the dynamics that corrupt what could be between women and men: a lack of generosity, the weight of expectation, the looming threat of violence.” Herein women are not expected to be perfect nor are they stereotyped as being able to at once control those around them and safeguard against pain. And in reading this, you might be permitted to face your own anger, contempt, and disregard.

2- The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante (Europa Editions, 2002). A gorgeously written short novel that considers the fears and unraveling(s) that can come with rejection and betrayal. The vivid descriptions of pain, self-loathing, and rage offer the reader space to consider how generously they might (or might not) want to consider this woman’s responses, and how kindly they wish to treat their own experiences of shattering fear, too. I encourage the reader to resist the impulse to turn away from this fierce and desperate tale, for within its small size and expertly written descriptions of pain (and healing), there is the invitation to reconsider the function of anger.

3- Orbital by Samantha Harvey (Grove Press, 2023). So much has already been said about this astonishingly beautiful book, but I encourage you to sit with it to also make greater space for grief. As these six astronauts circle around the earth, tracking the imprint of humanity on the planets surface, considering what it means to be human from such a remove, they also grapple with what it means to mourn. Whether to mourn the small moments of connection that are quickly passing below them, or the real and lasting losses that cannot be escaped even from such a high vantage, this book honors the need to grieve and sit in the destabilized state of profound fear, loneliness, and desire.

4- When Anger Scares You by John R. Lynch (New Harbinger Publications Inc., 2004). A fantastic examination of how the fear of anger can prevent healthy expressions of boundaries and needs, and how we can meaningfully look at what anger permits, how anger is different from rage, and how to begin experiencing an anger style that supports connection.

Books that ask us to look meaningfully at who we are (January, 2019)

Recently I have turned and returned to books that have played a major role in my development as a therapist. Importantly, only one of these is (strictly speaking) a “therapeutic” text. All have offered the space to imagine and dream, be it for a history that seems now long remote, a history that we all have long deserved, or a fictionalized “history” of our future(s) in chaotic times. I encourage you to look them up.

1- The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down by Anne Fadiman (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1997). This is a beautiful ethnography of a Hmong family in the Central Valley of California and the impact of cultural identity, divergent understandings of care, and compassionate understanding on the health and well being of a young Hmong girl. My favorite quote: “I don’t like coercion. I also believe that the long way around is often the shortest way from point A to point B. And I’m not very interested in what is generally called truth. In my opinion, consensual reality is better than facts.” (Sukey Waller)

2- The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren (Sounds True, 2010). This incredible deep dive into what can be learned through sitting with hard emotions offers up the reminder that with all emotional states we are offered the gift of self discovery.

3- In a Queer Time and Place by Judith Halberstam (New York University Press, 2005). This incredible study of the intersections between fiction, cultural narrative, and (trans/queer) identity offers us the opportunity to reflect meaningfully on how gender and sexuality are framed in our society, and what it means to be seen as “authentic” in our skins.

4- Florida by Lauren Groff (Riverhead Books, 2018). A collection of short stories that offer the reader the ability to travel into Floridas past, both real and imagined. It is at once a reflection on how our spaces impact our identities, and how lonely life can be.